The transition

So, I received an email from a friend of mine...and my response was a long one...so I thought this would make a good entry.


She asked:

I read your blog tonight and have watched your vlogs. I am glad to hear that you're happy and that you've found love. I've been thinking about you and trying to imagine what it's like for you. As I can imagine, this is a huge life change for you. I'm sure it's been a roller coaster emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I've been wondering though, what was it like for you when you came to this realization? Did you struggle giving up the life and faith you've known for 21 years? Cause I've heard your testimony, I heard you teach and train and give tours and I remember the power that was there. It never felt anything but genuine coming from you. Did you ever consider any other options besides the path you chose? Was it hard for you to adjust and change to this new life? You've talked about your Mormon life and now your lesbian life, but I'd love to hear more about the transition. I thought it might be a good topic for your blog and vlog. Cause I imagine that was the hardest part for you.


Here was my response:

It was one of the hardest decisions for me to make. The other hardest decision was going on the mission.

I have known that I was attracted to other girls since I was little. When I say little, I mean ever since I can remember. But, to me, it was just normal. I thought that everyone felt the way I did with their girlfriends. It wasn't until I would start to test the waters with some of my friends that I realized that wasn't how they felt. I thought maybe I just needed to find a friend who felt the same way I did. Maybe my friends didn't care about our friendship as much as I did. I realized in high school that I didn't want just a friendship with them. What I thought was a "friendship" was actually a relationship. I think that is why all of my friends (in high school) ended up breaking up with me because they felt smothered. One friend said I acted like a lost puppy dog. Anyway, I didn't know why they didn't love me as much as I loved them. I didn't know why I got so jealous when they had a boyfriend and would choose to hang out with him instead of me. (I knew why...but I wouldn't admit it to myself) When I finally realized what was different about me, I prayed and prayed and prayed for God to take away these feelings. I "LDS.ORG"ed all day and all night. I looked for how I can become "normal" again. I was sitting in church and the topic was serving missions...and I decided that if anything could take this away from me, it would be a mission. I mentioned the idea of a mission to my then best friend and she said that it was a great idea and I should go...so I put my papers in...still hadn't told anyone about my SSA (Same Sex Attraction) and I went on a mission. I do not regret my mission. It was challenging, yes. But in more ways than anyone could have imagined. And, I couldn't tell anyone. I think that is why I got so sick. I had this secret so deep inside me that it was messing up my digestive system. I prayed for it everyday! I prayed for it in the temple every time I went. (Every tour I gave, every testimony I bore, was honest and sincere. I still have a strong testimony. I still love the pioneers. I love Joseph Smith and what he did. I Love my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.) Finally, in Glenwood, with Tindall, we went into a lesbian couple's home. As I was sitting there, listening to what they were saying (one of them was an in active member) I knew I couldn't deny it anymore. That is when I finally came out to myself.

Fast Forward to actually making a decision about it. It was a LONG process. I emailed some church leaders that I had. I emailed a babysitter I had (who was a member and then came out) I talked to my friends about it. Finally, I came out to my Mom and Step Dad. Their reaction to me and the way they started to treat me really turned me off to the idea of continuing to go to church. The idea that I was "sick and not normal" started to get me really angry with the church. After I moved to Portland, I realized it wasn't the church...it was them...so, I sat down with my friends and church leaders and talked to them. I told them of my struggles. One church leader told me that she knew I was gay and was waiting for me to come out and tell her. Her advice was to just be happy. My best friend couldn't/wouldn't accept it. She and I talked about what my options were...and she couldn't even believe that I was saying that I had options. I referenced Elder Richard G. Scott when I told her. He said that those with SSA have three options. 1. (for those who are attracted to both) to get married and have a "normal" life. 2. Stay single and stay active. And 3. Leave the church. Option one was not an option. That would not be fair to my husband, or my children, or myself. (because I am not attracted to both) I had decided to stay single and stay active. I made this decision...I was good with that decision for a little bit. Until I realized what it meant. It meant that I would be single, by myself, never fully love and be loved in a way that I deserve. I finally came out to my sister-in-law, and then my brothers, then my Dad and Step mom...and they were truly happy for me. I knew that I couldn't live my life alone...like a nun...and I decided to see what the world had to offer. I didn't drink...I didn't smoke...I didn't just go off the deep end because I wasn't going to church anymore. I did, however, go to a bar, and that is where I met Kristen. Once I was finally myself and I was in this relationship I was FINALLY happy. I am the happiest I have EVER been.

And, honestly, I don't know what will happen with me. I don't know what judgement the Lord will lay on me, but I do know that right now in my life I am finally happy. I do know that my Heavenly Father loves me and wants to see me happy. I don't know what will become of me when I die, but I do know what will become of me as I live. I will be in this loving, honest, and healthy relationship. And I will be happy.

I still pray, I just don't go to church anymore. I am sick of other people interfering with my relationship with my Father. So, I still do what is right...I am just in love with "the wrong" person. But, she is SO the right person.

Anyway, I don't know if that was too much information, or not enough...